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    PUMPING UP THE TROOPS

    June 29th, 2002

    TRUE: According to a report in London’s The Daily Telegraph, a combination of stress and metabolic changes brought about by serving in the high altitudes of the disputed Kashmir mountain region is causing some Indian soldiers to suffer impotency when they return home to their wives. The article quotes Martin Wilkins, a London pharmacologist, who explains that the “extreme alpine environment” causes the body to create the enzyme phosphodiesterase, which hampers the ability of the lungs to absorb oxygen and restricts blood flow, “causing it to droop”.

    A handful of soldiers have gone so far as to receive penile implants, a procedure that involves sewing an inflatable bladder and a small pipe inside the patient’s scrotal sac. An Indian army urologist acknowledges that it has been difficult getting the proud, battle-hardened veterans to even admit that they are underperforming in the bedroom.

    SEMITRUE: Colonel Lloyd Gibbon-Fravisham, retired from the British Army after serving several years in India before that nation’s independence in 1947, is quoted as saying “that never would have happened when we were in charge”. Speaking from his residence in Leeds, he added “those soldiers wouldn’t be having this problem now if only they could have carried on the British Army tradition of always keeping a stiff upper lip”.

    reference:

    Indian army finds inflatable answer to low morale, The Daily Telegraph Online, May 05 2002.


    ELECTION SELECTIONS

    June 27th, 2002

    TRUE: In a major foreign policy speech, “President” Bush declares his support for a democratic Palestinian state and calls for the Palestinian people “to elect new leaders… not compromised by terror”. Palestinian officials, expecting a call for an Israeli withdrawal and hearing instead about “Israel’s need to defend itself”, react with alarm and dismay. Critics of the administration wonder how Bush can call on the Palestinian people to “practice democracy” while, in the same breath, declare an intention only to recognize “a new and different Palestinian leadership”.

    SEMITRUE: Press Secretary Ari Fleischer, addressing these criticisms, points out that “this White House is no stranger to controversial changes in management” and, citing bullet-proof polling results, declares that “our current administration approval ratings demonstrate that a popular leader need not necessarily be, you know, like actually elected…”


    BROAD STRIPES AND BLACK ROBES

    June 27th, 2002

    TRUE: A federal judge of the 9th US Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco declares that the Pledge of Allegiance violates the constitutional separation of Church and State. Constitutional scholars declare that the Supreme Court will review the case.

    SEMITRUE: Declaring that “the Supreme Court is the only body almightier than the Supreme Being“, Justice Antonin Scalia declares that the following oath survives “Constitutional muster”:

    We pledge allegiance to the Judge
    of the Supreme Court of America

    And to the Republicans
    for which we stand

    One nation, under foot
    Take liberties, these Justices for All.


    Frequently Unasked Questions

    June 26th, 2002

    I received an email recently. The email had 50 questions, ranging from the mundane to the, um … mundaner. The idea was that I should answer these 50 questions, then forward the email with the questions and my answers to all of my friends. Once having done that, then I would not have any more friends. I thought this little exercise might serve as an introduction (or reintroduction) for my readers to get to understand me. God knows no one else does.


    Subject: Little known facts about me

    Instructions: Here’s what you’re supposed to do…and DON’T spoil the fun. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

    1. What time is it? 9:12 am, so if the boss comes around, try to look like a business document.
    2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate:Mostly Harmless
    3. Nickname(s):Get oughtta the way you useless piece of crud!”, and “Sugar Lips“.
    4. Parent’s names: Sid and Marty Kroft.
    5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? Oddly enough, they all appeared on my last birthday cake.
    6. Date that you regularly blow the candles out? Usually not until the second or third date.
    7. Pets (dead or alive): All alive last time I looked, though the dog was eyeing the cat hungrily.
    8. Eye color: My eye is green.
    9. Hair color: No, it just looks that way.
    10. Piercing: Extremely.
    11. Tattoos: Not so you’d notice…
    12. How much do you love your job? Ah, I get it… WHY, I LOVE MY JOB VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SIR … okay, he’s gone now. Seriously, working sucks, which is why I spend my entire paycheck on the lottery.
    13. Favorite color: Umbrage
    14. Hometown: A rambling family estate that is now, sadly, occupied by a parking garage.
    15. Current Residence: A cardboard box in that parking garage.
    16. Favorite food: Pastish.
    17. Been to Africa? No, but there is this perfectly nice black fellow who cleans up in the office at night. Jimmy something. He barely frightens me at all.
    18. Been toilet papering? In fact, I did once, but the damn thing fell apart the moment I sat on it.
    19. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? Oh god, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve cried “But I love you!” while hurling myself at locked doors, speeding cars, armed bodyguards, etc.
    20. Been in a car accident? No, just deliberately.
    21. Croutons or bacon bits? Could I have dressing with that?
    22. Briefs or Boxers? Depends.
    23. Favorite Movie: Debbie Does DC VIII (superior to the original, but you can just skip DDD2 through 7, they were so predictable).
    24. Favorite Holiday: Take-a-Rodent-to-Work Day.
    25. Favorite day of the week: Twelve.
    26. Favorite word or phrase: You know that thing where you repeat something but add a “schmu” sound too it, like “Clinton … Schminton“, or “Breakfast … Schmekfast” or “New York … Schmew Schmork“. Yeah, I just love that.
    27. Favorite Toothpaste: Celery.
    28. Favorite Restaurant: The International House of Meatballs.
    29. Favorite Flowers: Waylon.
    30. Favorite Drink: Standing up.
    31. Favorite sport to watch: Catholic Wrestling.
    32. Favorite ice cream: “Lick Nixon”
    33. Favorite Sesame Street Character: Bernard, the repressed homosexual sock puppet.
    34. Disney or Warner Bros.: The Simpsons and SpongeBob SquarePants.
    35. Favorite Fast Food Restaurant: Seven-11.
    36. When was your last hospital visit? Every time I “visit” the hospital, I get served with a “restraining order”.
    37. What color is your bedroom carpet? My bedroom carpet is a three-year-old copy of The Washington Times. So, did they impeach that scoundrel Clinton yet?
    38. How many times did you fail your drivers test? Enough.
    39. Who is the last person you got email from before this? personalgrowth@hotmail.com, and I can’t wait for my mail-order Viagra!
    40. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? I have no convictions.
    41. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? Madame XXX’s Hard Core Pleasure Palace, or Fashion Bug.
    42. What do you do most often when you are bored? Lingerie catalogues.
    43. Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away? Zaphod Beeblebrox of the Outer Rim Nebula.
    44. Most annoying thing people ask me: “Have you had that looked at?”
    45. Who will respond the quickest? Um, Speedy Gonzales?
    46. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Heather Locklear. She never writes back.
    47. Favorite all time TV show: The Father Knows What’s Best For You.
    48. Last person you went out to dinner with: Gaspar, the friendly salmonella.
    49. Last movie you saw: Debbie Does Dallas VIII
    50. Time when you finished: Finally, after the third viewing.