Volume I, Issue 14 · posted May 29, 2001
THE SENATE SHUFFLE
When the Senate returns to session next month, the balance of power will have been dramatically altered. Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle and Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott will switch places, as will the chairs of many committees. Additionally, the White House will be forced to confer with a whole new set of authorities. To help confound the confusion, SEMI TRUTHS presents the following dialogue between the outgoing and incoming Senate Majority Leader…
LOTT: When you meet with the President as new majority leader, you’ll need to know his nicknames for the different chairmen.
DASCHLE: Why doesn’t he just call them by their names.
LOTT: He’s not so good with names. So remember, Who’s on Budget, What’s on Drugs, I Don’t Know is on Intelligence …
DASCHLE: That’s what I want to find out.
LOTT: I say Who’s on Budget, What’s on Drugs, I Don’t Know’s on Intelligence…
DASCHLE: …Are you the leader of the Senate Republicans?
LOTT: Yes.
DASCHLE: You meet with the President?
LOTT: All the time.
DASCHLE: And you don’t know the Senators’ names?
LOTT: Well I should.
DASCHLE: Well then who’s on Budget?
LOTT: Yes.
DASCHLE: I mean the fellow’s name.
LOTT: Who.
DASCHLE: The Chairman.
LOTT: Who.
DASCHLE: …of Budget.
LOTT: Who.
DASCHLE: The guy in the chair …
LOTT: Who is in the chair!
DASCHLE: I’m asking you, who’s in the chair.
LOTT: That’s the man’s name.
DASCHLE: That’s who’s name?
LOTT: Yes.
DASCHLE: When the Chairman calls the meeting, who bangs the gavel?
LOTT: Loud and clear!
DASCHLE: Who bangs the gavel … ?
LOTT: He does, every time. Well, sometimes he lets his second chair do it.
DASCHLE: Who’s second chair?
LOTT: Yes. What’s wrong with that?
DASCHLE: All I’m trying to find out is what’s the chairman’s name on Budget.
LOTT: No, What is on Drugs.
DASCHLE: You’re on Drugs!
LOTT: I can’t be on Drugs. What is on Drugs.
DASCHLE: I have no idea.
LOTT: Well, don’t confuse the Senators.
DASCHLE: I’m the most confused Senator there is!
LOTT: I won’t disagree with that.
DASCHLE: I’m asking him what’s the guy’s name on Budget. He says who’s on Budget? I don’t know.
LOTT: Oh, he’s on Intelligence, we’re not talking about him.
DASCHLE: How did I get on Intelligence?
LOTT: You mentioned his name.
DASCHLE: If I mentioned Intelligence, who did I say is on Intelligence?
LOTT: No, Who’s on Budget.
DASCHLE: What’s on Budget?
LOTT: What’s on Drugs.
DASCHLE: Who’s on Drugs?
LOTT: He’s on Budget.
DASCHLE: I must be on drugs!
LOTT: If you’re on Drugs, what are you going to do with What?
DASCHLE: What?
LOTT: Yes, him.
DASCHLE: Who?
LOTT: You’ll put Who on Drugs?
DASCHLE: I’m not putting anybody on drugs! Who’s on drugs?
LOTT: He should stay on Budget.
DASCHLE: Who should stay on Budget?
LOTT: Yes.
DASCHLE: …Let’s say a new finance resolution comes up. Who chairs the meeting?
LOTT: Yes.
DASCHLE: So who calls for a vote?
LOTT: Eventually.
DASCHLE: What did I just say?
LOTT: Who calls for a vote…
DASCHLE: Exactly.
LOTT: …eventually.
DASCHLE: Certainly.
LOTT: Certainly calls for a vote in Armed Services.
DASCHLE: Who does?
LOTT: No, Certainly.
DASCHLE: Exactly.
LOTT: Of course.
DASCHLE: …Can we go back to Intelligence?!
LOTT: Alright, what do you want to know?
DASCHLE: Who’s on Intelligence?
LOTT: Now you want to put Who on Intelligence?
DASCHLE: What am I putting on Intelligence?
LOTT: You can’t put Who and What on Intelligence.
DASCHLE: I can’t put who and what on Intelligence?
LOTT: It wouldn’t be right.
DASCHLE: What’s right?
LOTT: No, What’s moderate.
DASCHLE: Who’s moderate?
LOTT: No, who’s right.
DASCHLE: I don’t know.
LOTT: He’s on Intelligence!
DASCHLE: Again with the intelligence! … Let’s change the subject. How about the Rules Committee?
LOTT: How about it.
DASCHLE: The Chairman’s name?
LOTT: Why.
DASCHLE: I just thought I’d ask you.
LOTT: Well, I just thought I’d tell you.
DASCHLE: Then tell me who’s on Rules.
LOTT: Who’s on Budget.
DASCHLE: Nobody’s on Budget until I say so! I want to know the chairman’s name on Rules?
LOTT: Why.
DASCHLE: Because!
LOTT: Oh, he’s on Foreign Relations.
DASCHLE: Let’s start somewhere else. We have an Armed Services Committee?
LOTT: Certainly.
DASCHLE: The Chairman’s name?
LOTT: Certainly.
DASCHLE: Are you going to tell me?
LOTT: I’m telling you now.
DASCHLE: Then go ahead.
LOTT: Certainly.
DASCHLE: Any time now?
LOTT: Any time now what?
DASCHLE: Are you going to tell me the Chairman’s name any time now?
LOTT: Certainly.
DASCHLE: Go right ahead.
LOTT: I’ve got nothing more to say.
DASCHLE: You’re not going to tell me?
LOTT: Tell you what?
DASCHLE: Who’s the Chairman of the Armed Services Committee?!!
LOTT: No, Who’s the Chairman of the Budget Committee.
DASCHLE: I don’t care who’s the Chairman of the Budget Committee!
LOTT: Oh no, I Don’t Care is the Chairman of Environment.
DASCHLE: Of course you don’t care who is the Chairman of Environment, you’re a Republican!
LOTT: Who can’t be Chairman of the Environment.
DASCHLE: Nobody!
LOTT: He’s on Energy.
DASCHLE: Who’s on Energy?
LOTT: Who’s…
DASCHLE: I’ll break your arm if you say who’s on Budget! Let’s go back to Energy.
LOTT: Good idea.
DASCHLE: Is there a chairman?
LOTT: Nobody.
DASCHLE: Nobody’s on Energy?
LOTT: And a fine job he’s been doing, too.
DASCHLE: And a fine job who’s been doing too?
LOTT: Oh yes, him too.
DASCHLE: …Is there a Health Care Committee?
LOTT: Oh yes.
DASCHLE: …and the Chairman?
LOTT: He’s Fine.
DASCHLE: That’s good to know. Does he have a name?
LOTT: He’s Fine.
DASCHLE: He’s fine … How are you doing?
LOTT: Very well, thank you.
DASCHLE: And Mrs. Lott?
LOTT: Very well, thank you.
DASCHLE: And all the little Lotts?
LOTT: All the Lotts are well. Thank you for asking.
DASCHLE: May I ask you another question?
LOTT: By all means.
DASCHLE: Are you on drugs?
LOTT: No, What’s on Drugs.
DASCHLE: I don’t know … Intelligence!
LOTT: Now you’re talking.
DASCHLE: …Who’s left?
LOTT: No, Who’s right. Nobody is left.
DASCHLE: Nobody is left?
LOTT: Usually.
DASCHLE: Is that right?
LOTT: No, That’s usually left.
DASCHLE: What’s usually left?
LOTT: No, What’s usually Moderate.
DASCHLE: Are you asking me?
LOTT: No, I’m just telling you, What’s usually Moderate.
DASCHLE: What’s that?
LOTT: That’s usually left.
DASCHLE: That’s usually left where?
LOTT: He’s on Education.
DASCHLE: Who’s on Education?
LOTT: No, Who’s on Budget.
DASCHLE: Stop saying that!!!
LOTT: You asked me about That.
DASCHLE: I didn’t ask you about Budget!
LOTT: You said Who’s on Education.
DASCHLE: I don’t care who’s on Education!
LOTT: I’m telling you, I Don’t Care’s on Environment.
DASCHLE: Who asked you that?
LOTT: No, it was his idea.
DASCHLE: Whose idea?
LOTT: No, I Don’t Care.
DASCHLE: Well neither do I!
LOTT: Well there’s no need to get snippy about it.
DASCHLE: Let’s try this: I’m meeting with the President. He says how are you. I say I’m fine. He says no, fine is on Health Care, you’re the Leader. I say who’s the Leader. He says no, who’s on Budget. I say, That’s right. Why? He’s on Rules, I don’t know, I don’t have the intelligence; I don’t know has Intelligence. Because, Foreign Relations; whose foreign relations? Certainly! He’s in Armed Services, nobody’s in Energy, and I don’t care whose in the Environment.
LOTT: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.
DASCHLE: I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
LOTT: Then you’re perfect for the job. Congratulations!
(with apologies and a broad tip of the hat to Bud and Lou)
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SEMI TRUTHS is a semi-regular email newsletter dedicated to Political Analysis and Humor, Social Satire, and whatever else angers and amuses me. All issues, as well as subscription information, can be found at http://SemiTrue.com, or contact http://semitrue.com/blog/contact/
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