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Semi Truths

a semi-regular column of Truths, Half Truths, and Mostly Truths by Semi.

Volume I, Issue 7 · posted March 14, 2001

OVERLOADED ON THE INFORMATION HIGHWAY

Our children will probably laugh at us when they realize how awed we still are by the Internet.

They are growing up in a world where information is always available. Pick any spot on the globe, and chances are that, in a few minutes, you can find out what temperature it is at that moment or how to get there by road or train. Is there a good David Niven film on TV this week? (Yes, according to Gist.com, Turner Classic Movies is screening Separate Tables at 8:00 PM on Friday).

The Library at Alexandria was no more of a resource than the magazine rack at your local convenience store compared to the wealth of data available on the Internet. Breaking news of global events, advances in medicine, changes in the stock market -- there is a virtual cornucopia of information at our fingertips at all times, and our entire world is interconnected in a way that could scarcely have been conceived of a generation ago.

And how else, but through the ubiquitous Internet, could we learn about AIDS-infected needles stuck in the coin return slots of pay telephones, or of the little boy with leukemia to whom the American Cancer Society has agreed to give a nickel for every email he receives, or of the dangers of picking up strange women in bars lest you wake up in a bathtub full of ice with your kidneys missing?

How I wish that I would have had access to this kind of information when I was young, lazy, and impressionable. Just as an example, I recently found a remarkable webpage titled FOR SINGLE MEN ONLY filled with proven tips for picking up women.

This particular page is on a commercial website promoting a brand of skin and hair care products. There is also a copyright notice about not using the material for anything other than its intended purposes, but we all know that doesn't count on the Internet. Just to be prudent, however, I have removed specific product references and replaced them with the names of radioactive isotopes. Other than that, everything else (honestly, I did not make this up!) comes directly from the webpage. My own comments are bordered by rows of ***asterisks***...

DO THE HUSTLE!

FOR SINGLE MEN ONLY

Helpful Hints for the Helpless ~ By Mr. URANIUM

Personal ~ No Women Allowed ~ No Peeking ! ~ Men Only!

Let's start with .... What Attracts Women? (besides money)

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What attracts women besides money? Oh man, I really hope the answer is
"an awesome cool website!"
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(1) Confidence/Personality, (2). Appearance/Fragrance, (3). Approach ~ A Good Line and (4) A nice, clean car also helps (we suggest a BMW or Mercedes), (5) A nice apartment (penthouse preferably)

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So, combining all those, I need a really good pick-up line like this:
"I'm confident that you'll like driving in my clean car to my penthouse.
Ha-ha, don't I appear to smell?"
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(1) Confidence ~ Look Confident (Bluff) ~ Have Fun ~ If needed have a shot or two of Confidence and Fake it ~ Wear knee supports, you'll stand taller, look stronger and they won't be able to see your knees shaking. Show no fear, they can see it and they will test you (punish is the word).

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Got it — wear knee supports so they don't see my knees shake. And just in
case the evening is going really well, should I wear a jock strap so they
don't see ... well, you know...
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(1A) Personality ~ Sure helps to have a nice one. Smile a lot. (rent a Burt Lancaster movie, like "Elmer Gantry" or "The Rainmaker" ~ What a Confident Smile He Has).

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Okay, now am I supposed to actually carry the Burt Lancaster movie with
me? What if I just do a Burt Lancaster impression? Hey, do you remember
Burt in Kiss the Blood Off My Hands? Oh man, that was one creepy picture!

Listen, Burt's all right I guess, but he's kind of ... you know ... dead.
What about Burt Reynolds? Or Bert Convey? 'Cause he was so cool in
"People Do the Craziest Things"!
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(2) Appearance ~ Go to a Clothing store that sells sharp clothes and get them to dress you up, don't dress yourself up, get help!

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Okay, I think those are the two most important points here and they cannot
be emphasized enough — 1) for god's sake, Don't Dress Yourself!!!, and
2) if you are even tempted to dress yourself, Get Help! Remember, women
are just not attracted to men who can dress themselves.***************************************************************************

Look Sharp ~ You'll Feel Sharp ~ That's Confidence ~ (Just let them try to find fault with you! ~ Don't worry the will ~ Believe Me!)

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"Don't worry the will"? Wait, I'm confused...what are you talking about?!?
What will? There's a will? You told me not to be, but now I am worried!
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(2A) While you are there find a "New & Expensive" fragrance. You wouldn't believe how Women turn onto an "Expensive Fragrance" ~ they can tell the difference, we can't.

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Will that "Expensive Fragrance" make me more "desirable" to "women"?***************************************************************************

(3) Approach ~ Get the moves ~ "Super Hustlers" ~ watch their moves, admire them, don't find fault with them, watch and learn. (can find moves in movies too, keep a list of the best lines and use them). Practice your lines and approach and don't forget to walk with confidence, a STRUT (Like John Travolta in "Saturday Night Fever") .... Practice .... Practice .... Practice! It also help to be a ~ "Good Dancer" ~ like John Travolta.

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Okay, so I need to be a "Good Dancer" like John Travolta, a "Good Smiler"
like Burt Lancaster, and a "Super Hustler" like ... who? Curtis Mayfield?

I should memorize some of the best lines from movies (Burt Lancaster
movies?) and try to find a woman who has preferably never seen a movie
before!
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(4) Get a Good Introduction line ~ Something catchy, dynamic, different, aggressive (learn from the movies).

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How about "I'm rubber and you're glue. You bounce off me and I'll stick
to you!"?
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Be creative because picking up Women is the toughest game in town especially if you are after the best looking one (because so is everyone else). My attitude was ~ I would rather be refused by "Beautiful" Women ~

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Yeah, I hear you there pal! I would much rather be refused by "Beautiful"
Women. I always go for the women with "high standards", who are looking
for "the perfect mate", and who place a high premium on "personal hygiene".
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It's the Challenge, the game, a night out, so have FUN and if you're put down (as we all have been) then ~ have a few more confidence builders and like any sport you have to learn to lose but never give up, get off the bench ~ Keep on trying because you never know when you're going to get lucky!

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All right men! Get off the bench! Pump yourself up! Go out there and kick
some ass and GET LUCKY!
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I found that luck goes in ~ "Cycles" ~ One night the "Best Looking Women" would dance with me on another night even "Gravel Girtie" said no to me ~

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Wait, I'm confused again. Was "Gravel Girtie" one of the "Best Looking
Women"...?
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...then it was home to ~ "Mother" ~ for some personal confidence building.

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Uhhh ... just what is "Mother" doing for you?
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Remember Now ~ CONFIDENCE:

You Look Good ... You Feel Good ... You Smell Good ... WOW, You Must Be Good! ... (Who is this Man?) ~ Mr. Confidence! ~ WOW

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Repeat this mantra: "I look Good ... I feel Good ... I smell Good ... and
dog gone it, people like me!"
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MORE HINTS:

(5) I learned this from a "Handsome Hustler".

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Ah-ha! This must be that guy who's getting all those "Beautiful" Women...
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Always go to a bar looking like you just came from somewhere important and that you can't stay because you have an engagement some place else, you're just there to relax and have a drink (loosen your tie, order a glass of wine, look unapproachable ~ the most confident ladies like the challenge).

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To look even more unapproachable, pretend to fall asleep and begin
snoring loudly. The women will be all over you like maggots...!
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When ready to make your move (Remember you're leaving), walk over to her and say "Excuse me, I'm just leaving but you're an exciting looking lady and I would love to get your telephone number so we could have lunch or dinner next week." It worked 50% of the time and you're leaving anyway go to another if it doesn't work. There's lots of Bars to practice at.

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It worked 50% of the time? Wow! So on a good night, let's say you hit ten
bars and get five phone numbers. Then you take them home, lay them all
out next to the phone, and you notice something mysterious. Every single
phone number begins with "555"...
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(6) Remember I'm in the Beauty Industry and have a Great Conditioner so this is what I talk about.

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Is that "Beauty Industry", or "Beauty" Industry...?
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You can also talk about "Hair & Skin"...

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Or, if that doesn't work, choose some other "Body Parts"...
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...being a THORIUM user (knowing how good it is and all its uses), by carrying a 4oz bottle into a Bar, it makes for a conversation piece.

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I'll just bet it does! In fact, I'll wager there are people in that Bar
talking about you that you don't even know about...
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In my prime ~ when I was chasing all of the time ~

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Oh, come on ... you're still in your prime.
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In a dark bar I would approach the "Pretty Lady" I was interested in and say "I have to comment because you're such a beautiful lady ~ but you have troubled hair ~ I have this product that I know you've been looking for ~ I was just leaving, but I could get a bottle for you , if its as good as I say it is and you really like it then you owe me the privilege of taking you to dinner. If she wants to hear more, look at your watch and say I can stay for one drink only. Before leaving give her your business card and number. If lucky she may give you hers, but don't ask for hers. (So guys make sure you have a case of ACTINIUM in your trunk it is the best $3.00 gift you could give a lady).

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"...and then the 'Pretty Lady', she would take my bottle and she would hit
me over the head. And when I awoke, I would be in a bathtub full of ice,
and my kidneys would be gone. This worked 50% of the time..."
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(7) One of my "Best Performances" ~ Check to see what the lovely Lady is drinking ~ chances are (a) a glass of wine or (b) a glass of champagne.

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or (c) a flagon of mead...
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Don't offer to buy them a drink. Offer to "Share a Bottle of Champagne with them". You get a table and you have their complete attention. Believe it or not Champagne is less costly and more impressive when closing.

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Or to put it another way, it is more costly and less impressive when
opening. Especially when the cork flies out at tremendous speed and takes
her eye out.
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I used this line on a beautiful, young lady and it worked so well she moved in and I was with her for 7 years.

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Until that fateful day when the Champagne bottle finally poured its last
drop.
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(8) I always carried a 4oz bottle of PROTACTINIUM conditioner with me. It helped create conversation and Women are interested in ~ HAIR ~ SKIN ~ MONEY ~

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EYES ~ TEETH ~ WHITE BLOOD CELL COUNT ~
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~ THEMSELVES and WHAT YOU DO & HOW MUCH YOU MAKE! Are you single or married? And do you really think they are the most beautiful lady you have ever met? (pick out eyes, hair, skin, dress, clothing, recognize something ~

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"Wait, I recognize something ... is that a mole?"
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~ listen to women they are the best at noticing). Remember ~ Focus on them ~ FOCUS!

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FOCUS! You are drifting in a warm and comfortable ocean! Your eyelids
are getting very heavy! You are desperately in need of my "Beauty" Products...!
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Wait, that's it? You can't end it like that! What happens after you pick them up???

Okay, I decided to give my brain a little rest this week. Instead of making fun of our "President", I decided to make fun of the clueless "Mr. Super Hustle" and his miracle beauty product Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator (all you chemists in the audience, help me out here -- that is a radioactive isotope, isn't it?).

Next week, I'll return with my usual pointed analysis of current events. Or maybe not.

WORLD WIDE WEB WORDS

As usual, all definitions have been liberated from Dictionary.com. This week's words are all words that my spellchecker offered in place of Illudium:

Allodium \Al*lo"di*um\, possession, property. It means, therefore, entirely one's property.] (Law) Freehold estate; land which is the absolute property of the owner; real estate held in absolute independence, without being subject to any rent, service, or acknowledgment to a superior. Alluvium \Al*lu"vi*um\, n.; clay or slit or gravel carried by rushing streams and deposited where the stream slows down Illation \Il*la"tion\, n. the act of inferring or drawing conclusions; a conclusion drawn; a deduction.

SEMI SITES

Another semi-reference site this time, the Pseudodictionary: "This is the place where all of your made up words, slang, webspeak and colloquialisms become part of the dictionary as well. We take the words you use every day, but aren't in the dictionary, and put them into ours...". Say, I bet our pseudo-President could use this!
http://www.pseudodictionary.com/

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IRONICALLY CONTEMPORARY QUOTES BY GREAT AMERICANS