Semi Truths

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LOTT: When you meet with the President as new majority leader, you’ll need to know his nicknames for the different chairmen.

DASCHLE: Why doesn’t he just call them by their names.

LOTT: He’s not so good with names. So remember, Who's on Budget, What's on Drugs, I Don't Know is on Intelligence ...

DASCHLE: That's what I want to find out.

LOTT: I say Who's on Budget, What's on Drugs, I Don't Know's on Intelligence...

DASCHLE: ...Are you the leader of the Senate Republicans?

LOTT: Yes.

DASCHLE: You meet with the President?

LOTT: All the time.

DASCHLE: And you don't know the Senators’ names?

LOTT: Well I should.

DASCHLE: Well then who's on Budget?

LOTT: Yes.

DASCHLE: I mean the fellow's name.

LOTT: Who.

DASCHLE: The Chairman.

LOTT: Who.

DASCHLE: ...of Budget.

LOTT: Who.

DASCHLE: The guy in the chair ...

LOTT: Who is in the chair!

DASCHLE: I'm asking you, who's in the chair.

LOTT: That's the man's name.

DASCHLE: That's who's name?

LOTT: Yes.

DASCHLE: When the Chairman calls the meeting, who bangs the gavel?

LOTT: Loud and clear!

DASCHLE: Who bangs the gavel ... ?

LOTT: He does, every time. Well, sometimes he lets his second chair do it.

DASCHLE: Who's second chair?

LOTT: Yes. What's wrong with that?

DASCHLE: All I'm trying to find out is what's the chairman’s name on Budget.

LOTT: No, What is on Drugs.

DASCHLE: You’re on Drugs!

LOTT: I can't be on Drugs. What is on Drugs.

DASCHLE: I have no idea.

LOTT: Well, don't confuse the Senators.

DASCHLE: I'm the most confused Senator there is!

LOTT: I won’t disagree with that.

DASCHLE: I'm asking him what's the guy's name on Budget. He says who's on Budget? I don't know.

LOTT: Oh, he's on Intelligence, we're not talking about him.

DASCHLE: How did I get on Intelligence?

LOTT: You mentioned his name.

DASCHLE: If I mentioned Intelligence, who did I say is on Intelligence?

LOTT: No, Who's on Budget.

DASCHLE: What's on Budget?

LOTT: What's on Drugs.

DASCHLE: Who’s on Drugs?

LOTT: He's on Budget.

DASCHLE: I must be on drugs!

LOTT: If you’re on Drugs, what are you going to do with What?

DASCHLE: What?

LOTT: Yes, him.

DASCHLE: Who?

LOTT: You’ll put Who on Drugs?

DASCHLE: I’m not putting anybody on drugs! Who’s on drugs?

LOTT: He should stay on Budget.

DASCHLE: Who should stay on Budget?

LOTT: Yes.

DASCHLE: ...Let’s say a new finance resolution comes up.  Who chairs the meeting?

LOTT: Yes.

DASCHLE: So who calls for a vote?

LOTT: Eventually.

DASCHLE: What did I just say?

LOTT: Who calls for a vote...

DASCHLE: Exactly.

LOTT: ...eventually.

DASCHLE: Certainly.

LOTT: Certainly calls for a vote in Armed Services.

DASCHLE: Who does?

LOTT: No, Certainly.

DASCHLE: Exactly.

LOTT: Of course.

DASCHLE: ...Can we go back to Intelligence?!

LOTT: Alright, what do you want to know?

DASCHLE: Who's on Intelligence?

LOTT: Now you want to put Who on Intelligence?

DASCHLE: What am I putting on Intelligence?

LOTT: You can’t put Who and What on Intelligence.

DASCHLE: I can’t put who and what on Intelligence?

LOTT: It wouldn't be right.

DASCHLE: What’s right?

LOTT: No, What’s moderate.

DASCHLE: Who’s moderate?

LOTT: No, who’s right.

DASCHLE: I don't know. 

LOTT: He's on Intelligence!

DASCHLE: Again with the intelligence! ... Let’s change the subject. How about the Rules Committee?

LOTT: How about it.

DASCHLE: The Chairman’s name?

LOTT: Why.

DASCHLE: I just thought I'd ask you.

LOTT: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

DASCHLE: Then tell me who's on Rules.

LOTT: Who's on Budget.

DASCHLE: Nobody’s on Budget until I say so! I want to know the chairman's name on Rules?

LOTT: Why.

DASCHLE: Because!

LOTT: Oh, he's on Foreign Relations.

DASCHLE: Let’s start somewhere else. We have an Armed Services Committee?

LOTT: Certainly.

DASCHLE: The Chairman’s name?

LOTT: Certainly.

DASCHLE: Are you going to tell me?

LOTT: I'm telling you now.

DASCHLE: Then go ahead.

LOTT: Certainly.

DASCHLE: Any time now?

LOTT: Any time now what?

DASCHLE: Are you going to tell me the Chairman’s name any time now?

LOTT: Certainly.

DASCHLE: Go right ahead.

LOTT: I’ve got nothing more to say.

DASCHLE: You’re not going to tell me?

LOTT: Tell you what?

DASCHLE: Who’s the Chairman of the Armed Services Committee?!!

LOTT: No, Who’s the Chairman of the Budget Committee.

DASCHLE: I don’t care who’s the Chairman of the Budget Committee!

LOTT: Oh no, I Don’t Care is the Chairman of Environment.

DASCHLE: Of course you don’t care who is the Chairman of Environment, you’re a Republican!

LOTT: Who can’t be Chairman of the Environment.

DASCHLE: Nobody!

LOTT: He’s on Energy.

DASCHLE: Who’s on Energy?

LOTT: Who’s...

DASCHLE: I'll break your arm if you say who's on Budget! Let’s go back to Energy.

LOTT: Good idea.

DASCHLE: Is there a chairman?

LOTT: Nobody.

DASCHLE: Nobody’s on Energy?

LOTT: And a fine job he’s been doing, too.

DASCHLE: And a fine job who’s been doing too?

LOTT: Oh yes, him too.

DASCHLE: ...Is there a Health Care Committee?

LOTT: Oh yes.

DASCHLE: ...and the Chairman?

LOTT: He’s Fine.

DASCHLE: That’s good to know. Does he have a name?

LOTT: He’s Fine.

DASCHLE: He's fine ... How are you doing?

LOTT: Very well, thank you.

DASCHLE: And Mrs. Lott?

LOTT: Very well, thank you.

DASCHLE: And all the little Lotts?

LOTT: All the Lotts are well. Thank you for asking.

DASCHLE: May I ask you another question?

LOTT: By all means.

DASCHLE: Are you on drugs?

LOTT: No, What’s on Drugs.

DASCHLE: I don’t know ... Intelligence!

LOTT: Now you're talking.

DASCHLE: ...Who’s left?

LOTT: No, Who’s right. Nobody is left.

DASCHLE: Nobody is left?

LOTT: Usually.

DASCHLE: Is that right?

LOTT: No, That’s usually left.

DASCHLE: What’s usually left?

LOTT: No, What’s usually Moderate.

DASCHLE: Are you asking me?

LOTT: No, I’m just telling you, What’s usually Moderate.

DASCHLE: What’s that?

LOTT: That’s usually left.

DASCHLE: That’s usually left where?

LOTT: He’s on Education.

DASCHLE: Who’s on Education?

LOTT: No, Who’s on Budget.

DASCHLE: Stop saying that!!!

LOTT: You asked me about That.

DASCHLE: I didn’t ask you about Budget!

LOTT: You said Who’s on Education.

DASCHLE: I don’t care who's on Education!

LOTT: I'm telling you, I Don’t Care’s on Environment.

DASCHLE: Who asked you that?

LOTT: No, it was his idea.

DASCHLE: Whose idea?

LOTT: No, I Don’t Care.

DASCHLE: Well neither do I!

LOTT: Well there's no need to get snippy about it.

DASCHLE: Let’s try this: I’m meeting with the President. He says how are you. I say I’m fine. He says no, fine is on Health Care, you’re the Leader. I say who’s the Leader. He says no, who’s on Budget. I say, That’s right. Why? He’s on Rules, I don’t know, I don’t have the intelligence; I don’t know has Intelligence. Because, Foreign Relations; whose foreign relations? Certainly! He’s in Armed Services, nobody’s in Energy, and I don’t care whose in the Environment.

LOTT: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

DASCHLE: I don't even know what I'm talking about!

LOTT: Then you're perfect for the job. Congratulations!