{"id":142,"date":"2002-06-26T22:46:42","date_gmt":"2002-06-26T22:46:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/semitrue.com\/blog\/2002\/06\/26\/little-known-facts-about-me\/"},"modified":"2008-01-31T14:52:23","modified_gmt":"2008-01-31T18:52:23","slug":"fuqs","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/semitrue.com\/blog\/2002\/06\/26\/fuqs\/","title":{"rendered":"Frequently Unasked Questions"},"content":{"rendered":"

I received an email recently. The email had 50 questions, ranging from the mundane to the, um … mundaner. The idea was that I should answer these 50 questions, then forward the email with the questions and my answers to all of my friends. Once having done that, then I would not have any more friends. I thought this little exercise might serve as an introduction (or reintroduction) for my readers to get to understand me. God knows no one else does.<\/p>\n

\n

Subject:<\/strong> Little known facts about me<\/em><\/p>\n

Instructions: Here’s what you’re supposed to do…and DON’T spoil the fun. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. What time is it?<\/strong> 9:12 am, so if the boss comes around, try to look like a business document.<\/li>\n
  2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate:<\/strong> “Mostly Harmless<\/em>“<\/li>\n
  3. Nickname(s):<\/strong> “Get oughtta the way you useless piece of crud<\/em>!”, and “Sugar Lips<\/em>“.<\/li>\n
  4. Parent’s names:<\/strong> Sid and Marty Kroft.<\/li>\n
  5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake?<\/strong> Oddly enough, they all<\/em> appeared on my last birthday cake.<\/li>\n
  6. Date that you regularly blow the candles out?<\/strong> Usually not until the second or third date.<\/li>\n
  7. Pets (dead or alive):<\/strong> All alive last time I looked, though the dog was eyeing the cat hungrily.<\/li>\n
  8. Eye color:<\/strong> My eye is green.<\/li>\n
  9. Hair color:<\/strong> No, it just looks that way.<\/li>\n
  10. Piercing:<\/strong> Extremely.<\/li>\n
  11. Tattoos:<\/strong> Not so you’d notice…<\/li>\n
  12. How much do you love your job?<\/strong> Ah, I get it… WHY, I LOVE MY JOB VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SIR <\/em>… okay, he’s gone now. Seriously, working sucks, which is why I spend my entire paycheck on the lottery.<\/li>\n
  13. Favorite color:<\/strong> Umbrage<\/li>\n
  14. Hometown:<\/strong> A rambling family estate that is now, sadly, occupied by a parking garage.<\/li>\n
  15. Current Residence:<\/strong> A cardboard box in that parking garage.<\/li>\n
  16. Favorite food:<\/strong> Pastish.<\/li>\n
  17. Been to Africa?<\/strong> No, but there is this perfectly nice black fellow who cleans up in the office at night. Jimmy something. He barely frightens me at all.<\/li>\n
  18. Been toilet papering?<\/strong> In fact, I did once, but the damn thing fell apart the moment I sat on it.<\/li>\n
  19. Loved somebody so much it made you cry?<\/strong> Oh god, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve cried “But I love you!” while hurling myself at locked doors, speeding cars, armed bodyguards, etc.<\/li>\n
  20. Been in a car accident?<\/strong> No, just deliberately.<\/li>\n
  21. Croutons or bacon bits?<\/strong> Could I have dressing with that?<\/li>\n
  22. Briefs or Boxers?<\/strong> Depends.<\/a><\/li>\n
  23. Favorite Movie:<\/strong> Debbie Does DC VIII<\/em> (superior to the original, but you can just skip DDD2 <\/em>through 7<\/em>, they were so predictable).<\/li>\n
  24. Favorite Holiday:<\/strong> Take-a-Rodent-to-Work Day<\/em>.<\/li>\n
  25. Favorite day of the week:<\/strong> Twelve.<\/li>\n
  26. Favorite word or phrase:<\/strong> You know that thing where you repeat something but add a “schmu<\/em>” sound too it, like “Clinton … Schminton<\/em>“, or “Breakfast … Schmekfast<\/em>” or “New York … Schmew Schmork<\/em>“. Yeah, I just love that.<\/li>\n
  27. Favorite Toothpaste:<\/strong> Celery.<\/li>\n
  28. Favorite Restaurant:<\/strong> The International House of Meatballs.<\/em><\/li>\n
  29. Favorite Flowers:<\/strong> Waylon.<\/li>\n
  30. Favorite Drink:<\/strong> Standing up.<\/li>\n
  31. Favorite sport to watch:<\/strong> Catholic Wrestling.<\/li>\n
  32. Favorite ice cream:<\/strong> “Lick Nixon”<\/li>\n
  33. Favorite Sesame Street Character:<\/strong> Bernard, the repressed homosexual sock puppet<\/em>.<\/li>\n
  34. Disney or Warner Bros.:<\/strong> The Simpsons <\/em>and SpongeBob SquarePants<\/em>.<\/li>\n
  35. Favorite Fast Food Restaurant:<\/strong> Seven-11.<\/li>\n
  36. When was your last hospital visit?<\/strong> Every time I “visit” the hospital, I get served with a “restraining order”.<\/li>\n
  37. What color is your bedroom carpet?<\/strong> My bedroom carpet is a three-year-old copy of The Washington Times<\/em>. So, did they impeach that scoundrel Clinton yet?<\/li>\n
  38. How many times did you fail your drivers test?<\/strong> Enough.<\/li>\n
  39. Who is the last person you got email from before this?<\/strong> personalgrowth@hotmail.com<\/em>, and I can’t wait for my mail-order Viagra!<\/li>\n
  40. Have you ever been convicted of a crime?<\/strong> I have no convictions.<\/li>\n
  41. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card?<\/strong> Madame XXX’s Hard Core Pleasure Palace<\/em>, or Fashion Bug<\/em>.<\/li>\n
  42. What do you do most often when you are bored?<\/strong> Lingerie catalogues.<\/li>\n
  43. Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away?<\/strong> Zaphod Beeblebrox of the Outer Rim Nebula.<\/li>\n
  44. Most annoying thing people ask me<\/strong>: “Have you had that looked at?”<\/li>\n
  45. Who will respond the quickest?<\/strong> Um, Speedy Gonzales?<\/li>\n
  46. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond?<\/strong> Heather Locklear. She never writes back.<\/li>\n
  47. Favorite all time TV show:<\/strong> The Father Knows What’s Best For You<\/em>.<\/li>\n
  48. Last person you went out to dinner with:<\/strong> Gaspar, the friendly salmonella.<\/li>\n
  49. Last movie you saw:<\/strong> Debbie Does Dallas VIII<\/em><\/li>\n
  50. Time when you finished:<\/strong> Finally, after the third viewing.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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