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    Frequently Unasked Questions

    I received an email recently. The email had 50 questions, ranging from the mundane to the, um … mundaner. The idea was that I should answer these 50 questions, then forward the email with the questions and my answers to all of my friends. Once having done that, then I would not have any more friends. I thought this little exercise might serve as an introduction (or reintroduction) for my readers to get to understand me. God knows no one else does.

    Subject: Little known facts about me

    Instructions: Here’s what you’re supposed to do…and DON’T spoil the fun. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

    1. What time is it? 9:12 am, so if the boss comes around, try to look like a business document.
    2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate:Mostly Harmless
    3. Nickname(s):Get oughtta the way you useless piece of crud!”, and “Sugar Lips“.
    4. Parent’s names: Sid and Marty Kroft.
    5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? Oddly enough, they all appeared on my last birthday cake.
    6. Date that you regularly blow the candles out? Usually not until the second or third date.
    7. Pets (dead or alive): All alive last time I looked, though the dog was eyeing the cat hungrily.
    8. Eye color: My eye is green.
    9. Hair color: No, it just looks that way.
    10. Piercing: Extremely.
    11. Tattoos: Not so you’d notice…
    12. How much do you love your job? Ah, I get it… WHY, I LOVE MY JOB VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SIR … okay, he’s gone now. Seriously, working sucks, which is why I spend my entire paycheck on the lottery.
    13. Favorite color: Umbrage
    14. Hometown: A rambling family estate that is now, sadly, occupied by a parking garage.
    15. Current Residence: A cardboard box in that parking garage.
    16. Favorite food: Pastish.
    17. Been to Africa? No, but there is this perfectly nice black fellow who cleans up in the office at night. Jimmy something. He barely frightens me at all.
    18. Been toilet papering? In fact, I did once, but the damn thing fell apart the moment I sat on it.
    19. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? Oh god, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve cried “But I love you!” while hurling myself at locked doors, speeding cars, armed bodyguards, etc.
    20. Been in a car accident? No, just deliberately.
    21. Croutons or bacon bits? Could I have dressing with that?
    22. Briefs or Boxers? Depends.
    23. Favorite Movie: Debbie Does DC VIII (superior to the original, but you can just skip DDD2 through 7, they were so predictable).
    24. Favorite Holiday: Take-a-Rodent-to-Work Day.
    25. Favorite day of the week: Twelve.
    26. Favorite word or phrase: You know that thing where you repeat something but add a “schmu” sound too it, like “Clinton … Schminton“, or “Breakfast … Schmekfast” or “New York … Schmew Schmork“. Yeah, I just love that.
    27. Favorite Toothpaste: Celery.
    28. Favorite Restaurant: The International House of Meatballs.
    29. Favorite Flowers: Waylon.
    30. Favorite Drink: Standing up.
    31. Favorite sport to watch: Catholic Wrestling.
    32. Favorite ice cream: “Lick Nixon”
    33. Favorite Sesame Street Character: Bernard, the repressed homosexual sock puppet.
    34. Disney or Warner Bros.: The Simpsons and SpongeBob SquarePants.
    35. Favorite Fast Food Restaurant: Seven-11.
    36. When was your last hospital visit? Every time I “visit” the hospital, I get served with a “restraining order”.
    37. What color is your bedroom carpet? My bedroom carpet is a three-year-old copy of The Washington Times. So, did they impeach that scoundrel Clinton yet?
    38. How many times did you fail your drivers test? Enough.
    39. Who is the last person you got email from before this? personalgrowth@hotmail.com, and I can’t wait for my mail-order Viagra!
    40. Have you ever been convicted of a crime? I have no convictions.
    41. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? Madame XXX’s Hard Core Pleasure Palace, or Fashion Bug.
    42. What do you do most often when you are bored? Lingerie catalogues.
    43. Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away? Zaphod Beeblebrox of the Outer Rim Nebula.
    44. Most annoying thing people ask me: “Have you had that looked at?”
    45. Who will respond the quickest? Um, Speedy Gonzales?
    46. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Heather Locklear. She never writes back.
    47. Favorite all time TV show: The Father Knows What’s Best For You.
    48. Last person you went out to dinner with: Gaspar, the friendly salmonella.
    49. Last movie you saw: Debbie Does Dallas VIII
    50. Time when you finished: Finally, after the third viewing.

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