Unless you were up during the wee hours of the night, you probably missed this rare White House Press Conference…
For Immediate Release — March 9, 2001
THE WHITE HOUSE — Office of the Press Secretary
JOINT APPEARANCE BEFORE THE PRESS BY PRESIDENT BUSH AND VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY.
THE PRESIDENT: I’ll take a few questions before turning it over to Vice-President Cheney. Sambo?
SAM DONALDSON: Mr. President, in fighting for your $1.6 trillion tax cut, you cite projections of $750 billion surpluses by the year 2010. How is it that you are such an advocate of 10-year estimates when it’s been demonstrated repeatedly that even 10-month forecasts are frequently erroneous?
(long pause)
THE PRESIDENT: I will now turn the microphone over to Vice-President Cheney.
(VICE-PRESIDENT approaches the microphone, grimaces, clutches his chest, and backs away).
THE PRESIDENT: Well, Donny, the projections … those aren’t just my numbers. We didn’t just make them up out of whole clods. They were made up by other people, important people who know these things not just better than me. And so, I know in my heart, we can rely on those projectors.
(THE PRESIDENT looks back at THE VICE-PRESIDENT, who nods approvingly between gut-wrenching coughs).
THE PRESIDENT: Cokie-Cola?
COKIE ROBERTS: Mr. President, while members of your own party are conducting Congressional investigations into President Clinton’s last-minute pardons amidst allegations that they were bought and paid for through third-party donations to the Clinton Presidential Library, the White House and you in particular have stayed noticeably silent on the matter. Is this because you feel that this is a matter best construed by other principles, or because you fear raising the specter of your own father, the authentic President Bush, and his last minute pardons of Iran-Contra figures when he himself might reasonably have been subjected to further judicial inquiry in that matter?
(THE PRESIDENT looks back at THE VICE-PRESIDENT, who shakes his head and throws his hands up while coughing fitfully).
THE PRESIDENT: Pardon me? (laughter) Britney Spears?
BRIT HUME: Brit Hume, Fox news, the White House. Sir, are you sending a message to Congressional Democrats that a vote against your tax reform is just a vote for recession?
THE PRESIDENT: Brittle, there are more than any one single thing that could contribute to recession. I know in my heart that the American people can spend their money more wisely than the government. After all, it’s not our money, they took too much of it, and I’m just saying, let’s give it back to those that need it, not to spend on surpluses.
BRIT HUME: I… I… what?
(THE PRESIDENT looks back at THE VICE-PRESIDENT, who flashes a “thumbs-up” then clutches his chest and begins gasping for air).
THE PRESIDENT: King Cobra?
JOHN KING: In the less than two months you’ve been in office, your administration has rolled back federal funding for groups advocating planned pregnancies, abolished the White House discrete offices on AIDS and race relations, renewed air strikes against Iran, advocated a missile-defense strategy that almost certainly violates the 1972 ABM Reduction Treaty, and now a narrowly Republican-controlled House has killed a major workplace protection rule. Just for old times sake, could you say it once again?
THE PRESIDENT: I’m a compassionate conservative! (much laughter).
(VICE-PRESIDENT CHENEY, laughing maniacally, falls to the floor and jerks spasmodically. Ari Fleischer steps out and drags the V.P. behind a curtain. Offscreen, we hear the sound of cloth ripping, followed by a high-pitched whine).
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Clear!
(A defibrillator charges and fires).
OFFSCREEN VOICE: We have a pulse!
(The curtains part just enough to reveal the V.P. being held up from behind, head lolling to one side, streams of smoke rising from his chest).
THE PRESIDENT: He’ll be okay. I’ve got time for just one more question. You, in the back, with the all-knowing smirk on your face…
SEMI: Mr. Bush, how does it feel knowing that you’re just a heartbeat away from the Presidency of the United States?
See, droll and refined whimsy…