Semi Truths A highly irregular weblog dedicated to Truth, Justice, and American Cheese…!

Here’s a joke I actually heard that has yet to make it into my email. Perhaps this will be a first:

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“President” Bush convenes a White House Press Conference and announces “We have fortified our plans for an invasion of Iraq. We are going to bomb 5000 Iraqis and one bicycle repair man.” He then turns and exits, leaving reporters to leap to their feet and scream “Why are you bombing a bicycle repair man? Mr. President! Why are you bombing a bicycle repair man?!?”

Bush meets Dick Cheney backstage, who smirks triumphantly and says “See, I told you they wouldn’t care about 5000 Iraqis!”

TRUE:

The Thumb-in-Chief

Bush Given Thumbs Up!

WASHINGTON (AP) – “President” Bush summed up his annual medical exam Tuesday with a broad smile and a thumbs-up. One doctor went even further, putting two thumbs in the air and pronouncing the president’s health “unbelievable.”

“Feeling good,” the 56-year-old Bush said as returned to the White House from the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., after three hours with doctors there.

SEMITRUE:

Unnamed sources confirmed today that doctors were concerned about the condition of Bush’s thumb. Said one attending physician “You know, ever since September 11, the President has been running around the country and extolling the virtues of a positive outlook by flashing his thumb in the air. It is only natural that, with a man his age, the First Thumb should start to show some wear and tear. Fortunately, I think we got to it in time.”

A White House source called the examination “routine”, and quelled rumors that the President had, in fact, received a thumb transplant from an anonymous donor. “All the President’s thumbs are his own” insisted the spokesperson.

Some administration critics could not help but make unfavorable comparisons between this President and President Clinton. Mr. Clinton, of course, was well known for his monstrously huge thumb and was often seen wielding it grandly while biting his lower lip. Mr. Bush has not publicly bitten his lower lip since November of 2000, when a seriously miscalculated overbite caused an unsightly welt to appear just above his chin. That misfortune has not prevented him from recently brandishing his own Presidential thumb during a nationwide tour of states with troubled Republican Congressional candidates.

TRUE:

Katherine Harris steps down to concentrate on congressional run
Associated Press, August 01, 2002 – 02:53 PM

TALLAHASSEE, Fla.

Katherine Harris resigned Thursday as Secretary of State, retroactive to July 15. Harris, the state’s chief elections official, said she had misunderstood the rules about when she had to quit to run for Congress.

Harris, a Republican who was thrust into the international spotlight during the 2000 presidential election recount, said she intended to quit later this month to focus on the congressional race, saying she can’t effectively do both.

But the state’s resign-to-run law required her to file a letter stating her intent to resign the day she qualified to run for Congress. If candidates don’t do so, state law says they must resign immediately.

“I made a mistake in not filing the letter,” Harris said at a hastily called news conference after which she was whisked away by aides as reporters shouted questions.

For those keeping track at home, this is the third time Florida’s upcoming elections have been in the news recently, after it was revealed last week that the Secretary of State’s office had given legislative candidates the wrong amount to send as a filing fee, so candidates had to send an additional $43.20 by noon last Friday in order to be on the ballot. Unfortunately, many of those checks and qualifying papers were aboard a FedEx jet that crashed and burned in Tallahassee before dawn on Friday.

The Florida Division of Elections claimed it was legally powerless to extend the noon deadline for candidates whose qualifying papers might have been destroyed or who were unable to get into the capital, whose main airport remain closed all that morning. Ms. Harris pressed Governor Jeb Bush to declare a state of emergency that afternoon and extended the qualifying deadline to 5 p.m. on Saturday for candidates who could prove the crash impaired their ability to qualify on time.

SEMITRUE: Said a spokesperson for Ms. Harris, Florida’s top elections official who became famous during the recount debacle for stating that Palm Beach County missed a deadline and therefore its recount of votes had to be thrown out: “Deadlines, schmedlines … the important thing is, the people get to vote for whom they want!”