I received an email recently. The email had 50 questions, ranging from the mundane to the, um … mundaner. The idea was that I should answer these 50 questions, then forward the email with the questions and my answers to all of my friends. Once having done that, then I would not have any more friends. I thought this little exercise might serve as an introduction (or reintroduction) for my readers to get to understand me. God knows no one else does.
Subject: Little known facts about me
Instructions: Here’s what you’re supposed to do…and DON’T spoil the fun. Copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste it onto a new e-mail that you will send. Change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
- What time is it? 9:12 am, so if the boss comes around, try to look like a business document.
- Name as it appears on your birth certificate: “Mostly Harmless“
- Nickname(s): “Get oughtta the way you useless piece of crud!”, and “Sugar Lips“.
- Parent’s names: Sid and Marty Kroft.
- Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? Oddly enough, they all appeared on my last birthday cake.
- Date that you regularly blow the candles out? Usually not until the second or third date.
- Pets (dead or alive): All alive last time I looked, though the dog was eyeing the cat hungrily.
- Eye color: My eye is green.
- Hair color: No, it just looks that way.
- Piercing: Extremely.
- Tattoos: Not so you’d notice…
- How much do you love your job? Ah, I get it… WHY, I LOVE MY JOB VERY MUCH. THANK YOU SIR … okay, he’s gone now. Seriously, working sucks, which is why I spend my entire paycheck on the lottery.
- Favorite color: Umbrage
- Hometown: A rambling family estate that is now, sadly, occupied by a parking garage.
- Current Residence: A cardboard box in that parking garage.
- Favorite food: Pastish.
- Been to Africa? No, but there is this perfectly nice black fellow who cleans up in the office at night. Jimmy something. He barely frightens me at all.
- Been toilet papering? In fact, I did once, but the damn thing fell apart the moment I sat on it.
- Loved somebody so much it made you cry? Oh god, I can’t even count the number of times I’ve cried “But I love you!” while hurling myself at locked doors, speeding cars, armed bodyguards, etc.
- Been in a car accident? No, just deliberately.
- Croutons or bacon bits? Could I have dressing with that?
- Briefs or Boxers? Depends.
- Favorite Movie: Debbie Does DC VIII (superior to the original, but you can just skip DDD2 through 7, they were so predictable).
- Favorite Holiday: Take-a-Rodent-to-Work Day.
- Favorite day of the week: Twelve.
- Favorite word or phrase: You know that thing where you repeat something but add a “schmu” sound too it, like “Clinton … Schminton“, or “Breakfast … Schmekfast” or “New York … Schmew Schmork“. Yeah, I just love that.
- Favorite Toothpaste: Celery.
- Favorite Restaurant: The International House of Meatballs.
- Favorite Flowers: Waylon.
- Favorite Drink: Standing up.
- Favorite sport to watch: Catholic Wrestling.
- Favorite ice cream: “Lick Nixon”
- Favorite Sesame Street Character: Bernard, the repressed homosexual sock puppet.
- Disney or Warner Bros.: The Simpsons and SpongeBob SquarePants.
- Favorite Fast Food Restaurant: Seven-11.
- When was your last hospital visit? Every time I “visit” the hospital, I get served with a “restraining order”.
- What color is your bedroom carpet? My bedroom carpet is a three-year-old copy of The Washington Times. So, did they impeach that scoundrel Clinton yet?
- How many times did you fail your drivers test? Enough.
- Who is the last person you got email from before this? personalgrowth@hotmail.com, and I can’t wait for my mail-order Viagra!
- Have you ever been convicted of a crime? I have no convictions.
- Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? Madame XXX’s Hard Core Pleasure Palace, or Fashion Bug.
- What do you do most often when you are bored? Lingerie catalogues.
- Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away? Zaphod Beeblebrox of the Outer Rim Nebula.
- Most annoying thing people ask me: “Have you had that looked at?”
- Who will respond the quickest? Um, Speedy Gonzales?
- Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Heather Locklear. She never writes back.
- Favorite all time TV show: The Father Knows What’s Best For You.
- Last person you went out to dinner with: Gaspar, the friendly salmonella.
- Last movie you saw: Debbie Does Dallas VIII
- Time when you finished: Finally, after the third viewing.